ReTreat

Once calmed, I have chosen to retreat. I am not giving up my fight for what i believe in nor am i giving up my dreams. Merely this is a redirection of my energy. I have decided i will not waste time spending my energy being angry and being pissed with the powers that be and redirect all that energy to doing something useful...laying the cornerstones of my foundation. I enrolled in an NLP to further expand on my knowledge/learning of self and to also learn more about coaching people. So away i will be for the next 4 days to seek knowledge and to learn from a master.

I ReTreat that i may come out stronger to take on the challenges ahead.

It's Been Crabby

The past two months or so has seen me in my crabbiest of moods. All's not well at work and i've been victimy about management etc.When things don't go well we tend to go on the defensive and i am no different. I guess i went full frontal with my defense and reacted to the onslaught of my management's displeasure of the results i was creating or not creating rather. I was all "armed" and dangerous. I was at a stage where it would take very little from management to provoke me, i was like a big standing sore thumb. Touch me and i would hurt, prod me again and i will burst. I was that close to just blowing my top and throwing everything and 12years out the window. I was vulnerable to say the least and i was and am willing to just drop it all and take a walk on the wild side.

A moment of calm swept by me and once again i am stilled and the wildman chills...

As I Lay Dying

Death they say is a new beginning.

As i was sinking to my lowest & deepest depth, darkness overwhelmed me. I was engulfed in guilt, anguish and victim stories began to surface in my minds eye. It was like watching a flashback of old movies but this was a reel of my last 12 years flashing thru my mind. The highs, the lows, the joys, the frustrations...all flashing in front of me as i faced my firing squad.

In one moment...I snapped out of it. Not that it had stopped, my judge, jury & executioner was gaining his momentum and nothing was going to derail him...but my "horrible" moment stopped. I stopped from being in a place of pain, guilt and anguish to relief. This was feedback for me. He needed to get it off his chest. I needed to hear it in my face. I acknowledged my failings and shortcomings. I took a deep breath...

I chose to Live!

The Day I Got Killed

On monday i Got Killed!

This being the last quarter of the year, my boss usually makes his annual presence felt. He would come in and as usual go thru our performance for the year and impress upon us his projections for the year. He would pluck figures from his skilled calculations and projects the coming year's targets and he would have us accept his declarations. Somehow i don't experience a unanimous acceptance of the declarations but everybody "agrees". This year, no different from any other.

I for one have underperformed on all fronts and i am aware of this matter. This is my lowest performing year. This is my worst performance of the 12 years i have served and i was KILLED. I had nothing to say but nod in agreement as my judge, jury and executioner plowed away at my performance and i took it like a man standing in front of a firing squad. I felt my body riddled with bullets. It hit hard. Right to the core. I felt the core of my BEing shaken. I felt the medals on my chest ripped away. I felt worthless. I felt numb. In the end i felt nothing!

I just died!